a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s