Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.