Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat