Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Oh my God.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.