You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Body by cheese-puffs.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.