“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
how long have you had this for?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?