I am laughing way too hard at this.
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?