*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy