My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG