[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)