Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.