The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.