I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The devil.