remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
This is true.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film