Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
You Might Also Like
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…