If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
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This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
This will teach them to underestimate me
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?