20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
You Might Also Like
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
This is my emotional support knife.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?