You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“you recording!?”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
found my next D&D character name
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single