Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My hips? Compulsive liars.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
excuse me
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria鈥檚!!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Girls don鈥檛 want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that鈥檚 the supervisor.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I鈥檒l have more bread with my bread, please.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you鈥檙e invited to every party in town鈥 know what I鈥檓 doing.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
If you aren鈥檛 happy single, you won鈥檛 be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”