“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir