When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?