Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You Might Also Like
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“I wouldn’t.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.