[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.