12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
welp
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
tourist season
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
work smarter, not harder
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.