Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I hate my earbuds.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
How dude HOW?!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.