If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment