so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]