Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?