The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook