“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
it must be school picture day