Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I hope they boil the right one.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo