I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Danger is very dangerous
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?