“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You Might Also Like
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
gm