me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce