me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.