DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.