Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.