Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb