My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that