doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Dear Lord..
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
BRAKING NEWS!!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: