Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
new shirt idea
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it