GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
How to wake up a Beagle
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me, reading some of your tweets
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.