In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall