“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My time has come.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.