if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Have kids, they said
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner