My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs