ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy