Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
same bro
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.