ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You Might Also Like
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before