Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
BaD BoY!!
when you don’t want to be too vague
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.